The Worst Story I Ever Heard!

The three so claimed animal and pet lovers, stood before the stern but fair Judge Barnard and tried to explain away the serious charges of reckless driving, driving while under the influence of alcohol, destruction of public property and the theft of valuable live stock and a few other charges of wrong doing!

It was a hot summer day when they stood all cool like, before Judge Barnard and thought for sure they were home free with the tale of the century. Their argument went something like this: "Well Mr. Judge sir, we here, my friends and us were headed for the state fair where we were gonna put our animals and pets on display for our FFA project and up for sale there in the big animal area. We got all this sort of worked out with one of our close friends Johnny Shaker, who works at the fair barns. We loaded up a few sheep from our FFA project into the back of the pickup and tied up the calf there too, and the rest of our special pets we kept up in front with us."

The Judge and the curious on lookers listened to this story take shape and at first it seemed possible but slowly grew into dimensions beyond any semblance of reality.

Murray McCoy the trio's older spokesperson cautiously began, "Now Sir, we being young and all, did toss in a few cases of beer in the back and were gonna get together with all our State Fair buddies but give all the beer to those workers at the fair after we won our prizes. We was going all ok on the road where the accident took place until Mary's big Boa Constrictor, which she was holding in her lap sort of reached over and suddenly grabbed hold of my pet rat, Copper, which Todd here was holding." Murray nodded over towards Mary and Todd, as if identifying them for the Judge.

"Then the big old snake done sucked up my rat into its mouth and Mary started screaming," Murray swallowed nervously and a bead of sweat formed all the way across his forehead but continued.

Now Judge, you got to understand that this is my favorite prize winning rat and there was no way I was gonna let that snake eat my one and only true friend."

By now the Judge was patiently tapping his pen on the desk looking from one defendant to the other with smiling eyes, waiting for them to get to the part of the accident and how they came to be drunk.

Murray McCoy, shuffled his feet, coughed a little and cleared his throat and continued, "Everything would have been alright but when I reached over to try and get my rat out of the snakes mouth, the snake done took my hand into its mouth too. To tell you the truth Judge, this was no ordinary snake, but a really huge sucker, and it scared the crap out of me…pardon that word Judge…and I ain't lying."

At this point, the two other defenders overly nodded their heads in full agreement. Murray nudged them with his shoulder as if to let them know he did not care for their acknowledgment of this particular part of the story.

"Get on with the explanation Mr. McCoy, " Judge Barnard impatiently urged.

"Ok Sir, we were really in a fix now, for that snake had my hand real good and now with all the cussing and screaming going on, Todd's dog, Brutus, which was first on the floor board, must have thought we were attacking Todd and it jumped up onto Mary and started trying to bite the snake and my arm at the same time. By now things really got out of control and we, well we sort of must have drifted across the road, for I no longer had my hands on the wheel but was trying to steer with my legs and this is where we must have gone off the road through the fence, and into Mr. Wheelers barn. There was a terrible crash and the last thing I remember was that old snake letting go of my hand."

The courtroom was full of snickering by now, and Judge Barnard shot the observers a dirty look and they went silent. "Tell us now how those beer cans came to be empty and laying all around in the front of the truck now, Mr. McCoy," Judge Barnard tilted his head to one side and asked in all seriousness and knowing this part of the story was really gonna have to be good.

"I don't really know Sir, I was out cold at that time, but Mary will take over from here," and Murray nodded his okay for Mary to now continue with the tale.

The Judge smiled his okay and asked Miss Moonshine to speak loud and clear.

"I Thank you Sir," Mary started in with confidence but soon everyone could hear her voice quiver with fright as she went on. "I saw the barn coming at us real fast and so ducked down and we hit and went right on through the side of the barn, but I was not hurt too bad except for a good bruise on my shoulder. I think the bruise came from a few of the sheep that came flying through the back window." She pause a little, rubbed her shoulder, looked around at the spectators for some sympathy, but they were being so thoroughly entertained by this tale that all sympathy was lost in awe of this story.

The Judge nodded for her to continue and she went on, "Todd and his dog was flung out of the other side door and "Gruesome" my pet snake somehow got tangled in the steering wheel which was bent real bad. It still had Murray's pet rat in its mouth and the rat was slowly disappearing down its throat. Somehow my most valuable snake seemed not to be bothered that we had just crashed into Mr. Wheelers pig barn but was only set on eatin that poor rat." Here she paused as if for emphases or maybe stalling for time hoping to really come up with a way out of this unbelievable explanation!

The Judge cleared his throat with a loud growl as if to let Mary know he wanted her to get on with the story and she caught the gesture.

"Well, I saw Murray laying out cold right in the pig muck, right next to the Truck so I thought the only way to save his pet rat was to hurry up and open some beers and pour it on Murray's face to wake him up so he could get the rat out of Gruesomes mouth. So I began opening as many beers as I could and poured them all over Murray and he woke up really quick. I yelled at him to grab the snake and squeeze its throat as to keep the snake from swallowing his pet rat Copper!"

"Your telling us that you opened forty beer cans and poured then out on Murray to wake him up," the Judge asked with what seemed to be great curiosity and directed interest but was suppressing a strong smile at this bold faced story of absolute bunk!!

She shot a side glance at Murray to as if get his approval on some part of this story that he never even heard but he stayed straight faced while trying to figure out how Barnard knew there was forty empty cans.

Mary twisted and began down another path any ways, "Yes Sir, I must have, and I poured some onto the dash too, because there was some smoke and small flames coming out of it and so I thought there was gonna be a fire an wanted to make sure we all got out safe."

The two boys nodded their heads in full approval, and with perfectly honest faces murmured, "good thinkin."

Judge Barnard rubbed his chin and waited a moment and then asked the trio, "Could you tell the court here, how did your two or three cases of beer get themselves into the front seat if you had put them into the back of the pickup?"

Todd Judson took over from here, " Mary forgot to tell you Sir, that when we hit the barn, we done stopped really quick and I myself saw nearly everything from the back of the truck fly forward and go right through the open window to the back including two of the sheep. The sheep were knocked silly but finally climbed out of the front seat and that is how those cases of beer got themselves into the front seat, real handy for Mary to put out the fire and wake up Murray. Good thing too, for just then the truck started smelling like gas and I knew for sure she was gonna blow."

By now the court observers, even the trio's families were holding back their snickering and chuckles at this outrageous and bold face lie! For they all knew that no sheep were gonna fit through no pickup window. The Judge shot the court a glance and inquired, "Mr. Judson we're really sorry about your misfortune but could you tell us what happened to the snake and pet rat from there?"

"Oh, it was sad, the accident or the smoke must have really scared the snake, for before Murray could get up, Gruesome crawled away and we never did find him, nor Copper his precious rat," exclaimed Todd with serious concern scribbled all over his face.

The court observers were wondering how long the Judge was gonna let this show go on and were silently hoping for more. Judge Barnard slowly cleared his throat, tapped his old long fingers on his desk and proceeded further into this incredible explanation, "So where did you say these animals came from again," the Judge asked them.

Murray butted in and spoke up with a little rasp in his voice. "Well, aah, Sir, they were not really ours to speak of but they were such nice looking animals you know, we done just borrowed them to take to the fair for display, we thought it would be no harm to the Baker family, to maybe win some prize money for them."

Judge Barnard, after letting this tale go on for over 45 minutes, finally waved his hands as if swatting flies and gesturing that he and all the court had heard enough and had now been thoroughly entertained, and so said the same, "I think I and these good witnesses have heard enough now, and sort of get the full picture of what you young folks are trying to say. And I just want you to know that this is the worst, the most ridiculous, the most smoked filled yarn, and the single most bull ridden, buffalo chip story I ever did hear in all my long days sitting at this bench."

The trio seemed to be somewhat offended and showed shocked that their story was falling on the ears of unbelievers, while the Judge continued, "If you were in New York or Los Angeles you might get away with such a sham but let me tell you about a few calls I made in your behalf."

Judge Barnard leaned back real cool like and with a straighter face than all three of those young lyres put together he began, "First of all, I called the state fair and spoke with Winslow Gunther, he is the top man on the fair board and he has never heard of your buddy, John Shaker. Next I called the FFA and strange as it is, none of your names are even registered with them, no less any of you representing the Future Farmers of America in the state fair. Then I spoke with several of your family members and they have unequivocally stated that not one of you have ever owned a snake or possessed a pet rat named Copper! And by the way, you all were seen taking those sheep and rustling the calf without asking, without consulting their owners and without thought to ownership or respect of the animals well being."

"And about the beer, old man Henry at the Taylor grocery store says he saw you three young folks steal a case of beer each out of the back of the delivery truck a day before your venture. So dear young thieves, hoodlums and trouble makers and for sure, some of the worlds great liar's, and the worst story tellers I ever done heard, you are found out!" Judge Barnard brought his gavel down so hard the three thought for sure they had been shot and two of them expelled gas.

Then and there, Judge Barnard stood up behind his bench, a pose rarely taken but he was in one of those extraordinary posing moods and so began, "Your story is so idiotically stupid, and you've got to either be crazy or mighty naive, thinking that this bench would accept such a wild and irresponsible tale. Personally, I think it would be a crime for this court to punish such "Imaginations" by putting you into jail where you all belong for your ignorance, your stupidity and your foolishness."

Judge Barnard slammed down his gavel again, the trio jumped, and he bellowed with a stern voice, "First, you are gonna pay for Mr. Wheelers barn and his injured pigs and for his broken up fences, your gonna pay for those sheep and that poor crippled calf. Get this right now, you three are gonna pay, not your folks! And if you ever are caught drinking or causing one tiny problem in this county again, I will see that you are all locked up, not in a jail but in a sanitarium."

"For the final nail in your guilt, this court hereby demands that you actually write that asinine story down and get it published and if someone does buy it, then that money will also go to help pay off your STUPIDITY! Now get the hell out of here!"

By Murray McCoy, Todd Judson and Mary Moonshine

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michael@ticktalk.net